I’ve never been a huge fan of valentine’s day. It’s always seemed a little overdone to me and just not quite as genuine. The other day I was watching an Instagram live between a few coaches and they were talking about their simple Valentine’s day plans. What I liked is that they tried to tailor their plans to their and their partner’s love languages. It made me realize that now would be a great time to revisit building a connection with your spouse through love languages.
What are Love Languages?
Love language is a concept created by Gary Chapman for the way that you feel love. He narrowed them down to 5 main different love languages:
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
Chapman’s premise is that each person feels loved in different ways and also shows love in different ways. If you can understand your and your spouse’s love language, you can forge a good connection to keep your marriage strong.
The key is that you may have to change the way you show your spouse love so it can be in alignment with how they most naturally receive it. You can still show your love in ways you enjoy as well, but when you can do it in the way they receive it, they will feel it even more, which will help build your bond.
Below, we’ll cover a brief explanation of each love language and ways that you can easily work these things into your relationship to strengthen your connection with your spouse. If you’re so inclined, combine a few ideas together to come up with something special for your spouse for Valentine’s Day.
Words of Affirmation
The words of affirmation love language is expressed through positive words such as compliments, encouragements, or appreciation.
Words of affirmation can be simple to work into your daily life. Though, it can be difficult if you have been feeling disconnected or overwhelmed.
A good way to start would be to write down all of the qualities that you like in your partner. You could also focus on the positive things your partner does, such as helping out around the house. The more specific you can be with each item, the better.
Then, start working them into your day. Let your spouse know you appreciate that they emptied out the dishwasher or that they look good in the shirt they are wearing.
If you wanted to take this idea and make it into a Valentine’s present, you could write them a love letter about everything you appreciate about them and give it to them on the holiday as a nice surprise.
Otherwise, you can slowly work these positive words into your everyday life. Depending on where you are at with your connection, you may choose to try and do one every day for a few weeks or might just work in a few a week.
When I first started doing this with my husband, it felt a little foreign. Giving compliments and showing appreciation is definitely not a strong trait of mine.
However, over time and with practice it has become more natural to make sure I thank him for things he does around the house or give him compliments.
Quality Time
Quality time is what it sounds like – spending good, quality time with one another. This can mean several things like going to an event together or simply sitting down to have a conversation.
The key part of quality time is to make sure that your partner has your undivided attention and interest during that time.
It would mean putting your cell phone down and making sure there isn’t anything else to interrupt your thoughts while you are spending time with your spouse.
For some people who need quality time, they can be focused more on having a conversation. To them, this is more than just the fluff. It’s more about getting into the real things in life – emotions, passions, and meaningful conversation.
For others, it could mean spending time together doing an activity or going to an event.
It seems the most important part of quality time is undivided attention. Then mix in deep, meaningful conversation or an event that the other person will enjoy making it truly meaningful.
Things like this can be simple, such as having no phones at the dinner table and talking then. It could be that you set aside 5-10 min of your day just to catch up with the other person.
You could also do something you know they’ll enjoy, like going out to dinner or watching the sunset together. Get creative and brainstorm ideas of things you know they’ve enjoyed in the past or things they’ve talked about wanting to do.
Then slowly, start working these things into your everyday lives. It could be as simple as planning one date together a month.
Receiving Gifts
For some people receiving gifts is a huge symbol of love for them.
This can be simple to implement, though, for some, it may require a shift in mindset about money.
If you’re like me, gifts might seem like an unnecessary expense for a short-lived joy. However, for others receiving a thoughtful gift fills them up and makes them feel loved.
The gifts do not have to be expensive – make sure to keep it within something you can reasonably afford.
Something as simple as a homemade card or a single flower could suffice.
If you really wanted to step it up, you could pick an entire week and do a small gift each day of the week for your spouse. Just get them something they will enjoy – their favorite candle or a treat from their favorite bakery.
One thing to keep in mind with gifts is that sometimes, you yourself can be the “gift”. You could gift a special evening with you getting dinner somewhere. And sometimes the gift is being there during those times when they need you the most – such as the loss of a family member.
If you have trouble gift giving, start paying attention to things your spouse mentions that they like and keep a list of ideas on your phone. That way, you can surprise them one day by getting them something you know for sure they will enjoy.
Acts of Service
Acts of service is doing something for your spouse, such as a chore, out of love (no rage cleaning here). When something is taken care of for them and they do not have to worry about it, it is seen as an act of love.
These things are not hard to work in. Typically, they are actually a part of everyday life. Things such as paying the bills, picking up the dog poop out of the yard, or even bringing their car to get washed are all acts of service you can do for your spouse.
The tricky part may be determining which ones will mean the most to them. For some people, it could mean taking on additional cleaning chores around the house. For others, it might mean more to them if you fixed a broken railing on the porch.
It’s time yet again to start brainstorming a list of ideas. No doubt your spouse has mentioned something they would like you to do over the past week or month. Take note of these things and get started on some of them.
As in any of these categories, you could also ask them to help you with ideas. Get their opinion on what acts of service would mean the most to them and then start working on the list.
If you’re really strapped for time, you could go through the process of hiring and coordinating someone to do the act for you – such as hiring someone to deep clean the house and coordinating the whole thing so your spouse doesn’t have to do anything for it.
Physical Touch
For some, physical touch, the acts of holding hands, kissing, and hugging are the love language that makes them feel loved.
This love language is easy to start working into your everyday life. It could be as simple as touching their arm as you walk past them on a regular basis.
You could make a point of hugging or kissing goodbye in the morning as you leave for work and the same for when you return at night.
Another option might be to snuggle every night before bed or offer up a massage.
Use The Love Languages to Build Your Connection
Take Gary Chapman’s Love Languages quiz to learn your love language. If they are up for it, ask your spouse to take the quiz also. You can learn so much about one another simply by knowing their love language and learning how to add that language into your ways of showing them love.
Once you know each other’s love languages, set aside some time to brainstorm ideas of how you can start showing your spouse love in the way in which they receive it, using some of the suggestions above. Then, enjoy the connection through the use of the love languages.
