You’re infuriated. You can feel your heart pounding out of your chest and your blood is boiling. The cause? Your partner, staring down at their phone, while you do all of the things. Sound familiar? Read on to learn how to get past resentment.
My Story
For me, resentment snuck up on me a few months after having our daughter. I was overwhelmed, though at the time I wasn’t able to really label my emotions – I didn’t have the time.
I remember one specific turning point during my maternity leave. Once my husband got home from work in the evenings, I would try and give him daughter care duties so I could get a bit of a break. My mind and body were exhausted from the day. My limbs felt heavy and my head was ready to explode from being stuck home all day with a baby attached to my boobs.
One night, he finally tipped over the edge and said something like, “I work all day, I’m exhausted, I don’t want all this work shoved in my face the moment I get in the door.”
I was livid. My heart shook in fury as I carried my daughter back into the living room by myself. Silently I fumed about how lucky he was for getting out of the house to do adult things while I was stuck at home with an incredibly fussy baby.
Turning Point for the Worse
That may have been fine if it was a one-time occurrence. However, as time went on, I continued to not get my needs met and thought horrible things about how awful my husband was for not wanting to help.
As time went on, my resentment came out as barking commands and passive-aggressive comments, which wore on him. This, I thought, was parenthood. It was a struggle in all regards, and we were flailing.
After that one instance, I shut down. I no longer thought it was okay to ask for what I needed because he got upset when I tried. Over time, this wore our marriage down to the point of our separation.
Causes of Resentment
In my experience, the two main drivers of resentment are unmet expectations and not getting enough time for yourself.
Unmet Expectations
In my story above, there is one clear point – there was a massive lack of communication between me and my husband.
One of the main things that was missing was the lack of defined expectations – on both of our parts. Neither of us had communicated what we needed and what we felt we could provide during this time.
My expectation was that my husband would get home and immediately give me a break from my daughter. His was that he would get his normal sitting time after work that he had before we had a daughter.
Neither one of us talked about this with each other nor did we think to develop some compromise.
We also struggled with who was doing what in terms of keeping the house up and running in this early parenthood phase.
These unmet expectations can come in all forms – cleaning, yard work, cooking, childcare, socialization, time away from the family, etc.
It is incredibly important during times of high stress to be open and transparent with what each partner needs or expects and talk to one another to come to compromises that both of you agree will be beneficial.
Not Getting Enough Time for Yourself
The other piece of the equation in our resentment build-up was not getting enough time for myself. This comes into play even after the discussion of what has to happen to keep the home running has been had.
What I can say is this, since our separation, my husband and I have discussed in great detail, the level of cleanliness of our home, who is doing what, and at what frequency. I can also say that none of this has officially held up to the level we discussed. See my article on how to talk to your spouse about chores.
Life is tricky that way. We get busy, and things get pushed. Unfortunately cleaning the home is one of those balls that can be dropped to a certain extent, and ours is dropped more often than I would like to admit.
Sometimes this does cause a flare-up in my feelings of resentment, especially when it is him who is not holding up his end of the bargain.
Here’s what I’ve found that helps keep that resentment at bay:
- Asking him to do the cleaning nicely or
- Making sure I’m getting enough time for myself.
This time for myself helps keep me filled up and feeling good so that things such as a table with lots of crumbs underneath it in the driving room no longer drive me to the point of sheer rage.
Having a toddler at home makes getting time for myself nearly impossible. However, we work together to make sure that each of us gets the time we need.
On the weekends, we’ll take turns where we each spend a few hours alone with our daughter while the other person is free to do a hobby or activity of their choice.
This time can really leave you feeling rejuvenated, which means you can be more present as the mama and partner you want to be.
Getting Past Resentment
In my experience, there are several key points that can help you get past resentment.
Ask Your Partner for Help
Keep your lines of communication open between one another. Ask your partner for what you need and be specific.
We had fallen into the pattern where it was assumed the other knew, but as our therapist pointed out “no one is a mind reader”.
So as much as you think your partner should “just know” what you need – they won’t and it is best to ask.
Share Your Feelings
When things are difficult, it is always best to lead a difficult discussion by starting with how you feel.
“Babe, I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed lately, could you please help with ____?”
When you are considering your feelings, dig down deep. In my experience, though you may be feeling rage or anger, those are typically secondary emotions to something else going on such as overwhelm or sadness.
Look for What Your Partner is Doing Right
As difficult as it may be, watch out for what your partner is doing right.
If you get stuck in negative thought patterns as I did in my story above, it can be incredibly difficult to find anything your partner is doing right. But, the more you look for examples to back up whatever story is in your head, the more evidence you will find.
Try to switch that story and find what they are doing right, as difficult as that may be. If it helps, write it down as something you are grateful for each night as a way to keep track.
That way, when you are feeling really negative about your partner, you have something to refer back to and remind yourself that that does in fact, do things to help.
Practice Gratitude
In conjunction with the step above, practice gratitude. Gratitude is simply taking the time to feel grateful for something in your life.
I like to do this at night before I go to bed. I keep a little “one line a day” journal next to my bed and write down 3 things I’m grateful for each night.
When I can, I’ll write down something my husband has done during the day that I was grateful for, such as taking a turn at washing the dishes or unloading the dishwasher.
Another way to do this is to thank your partner when you see them doing something right. Though most of these tasks are just normal “adulting” tasks, it still can feel good to be thanked for doing them.
Get Time for Yourself
Make sure you get time for yourself. Ask your partner to entertain your kiddo for an hour or two while you do an activity of your own choosing that will leave you feeling refreshed.
Therapy
Sometimes, as was the case for us, you may need to try therapy. It can be helpful to talk through the main pain points you have in your marriage and learn better communication skills and coping mechanisms to use to improve your marriage.
Move Past the Resentment
Take some of these actions points and start to work them into your marriage. It can help you get past periods of intense resentment you may be experiencing.
Even if you aren’t experiencing resentment currently, practicing these skills is a great way to keep resentment from popping up in the future.
Now, this isn’t to say that you’ll never feel resentment again. You certainly will. The key is to recognize it for what it is and then take action on it.
I’ve seen what not taking action on resentment can do. It can tear a marriage down and break it apart until one partner doesn’t want to be in it anymore. I don’t wish that pain on anyone – so take these proactive steps to keep your marriage in good shape. Good luck!
