Trying to decide when to leave a marriage can be difficult. No one ever thinks when they get married that they will be in that 50% that gets divorced. However, many people do at times find themselves unhappy in their marriages, despite the vows they gave on their wedding day.
At what point is it okay to leave an unhappy marriage?
I hadn’t really given this topic much thought until my own relationship was on the rocks and my spouse decided to leave me. After that, I knew exactly what the cases were in which I would leave.
In all honesty, you’ll have to decide that for yourself, based on your values. However, here are some suggestions on what to consider as you make this difficult decision.
Abuse
In my opinion, abuse in any form – verbal, physical, assault is a solid reason for leaving a marriage. You are supposed to feel safe in your relationship – both physically and mentally. You deserve that for yourself.
If you’re scared and need resources, the Harbor House can help.
What I’d like to touch on a bit more is that of verbal abuse. Sometimes, I think that you can put up with it for so long, you don’t even realize what it is, and worse, you believe what they are saying is true.
Typically, when you think of verbal abuse, you think of someone using words to frighten or demean you. That is true.
“Constructive Criticism”
However, there is another kind. One that seems less intrusive and you might not realize it at first, or take it as “constructive criticism”.
If your spouse tells you continuously all the bad things about you, that is not normal. You don’t have to put up with that.
I bring this up because, towards the time when my husband finally decided we needed to separate, he started doing this.
In his mind, and “per his therapy” he was told to get his feelings off his chest and talk about them. To him, this meant telling me every single thing that bothered him about me over the course of our relationship.
At first, I just tried to brush it off as him “getting out his feelings”. However, eventually, it was debilitating. After a while, I started to internalize it. I believed some of those things. I believed I wasn’t good enough.
Granted, I’ve had that “I’m not good enough” feeling periodically throughout my life, however, it hadn’t been a problem for me in years. It’s surprising how easy it can be for prior issues to come rushing back in times of high stress.
I bring this last point of verbal abuse up because I think it happens a lot near the end of relationships. Especially when one party has already made their mind up about the other. If you’re at this point and your spouse isn’t willing to work with you on the relationship, you may as well end it.
There is no reason to put up with being insulted and put down all the time.
You deserve better.
Addiction
Addiction is taxing on a relationship. Whether it be with drugs, alcohol, gambling or something else. It is a lot for a couple to deal with. Obviously, the circumstances of the addition within a relationship need to be taken into account.
However, addiction is another reasonable factor in deciding to leave a marriage.
Now, I’m not suggesting that the first time an addiction issue arises to call it quits. As suggested above, it is all dependent on the relationship. Personally, I believe you should do what you can to try and help your spouse recover.
However, recovery is a long road. Some people relapse. And relapse again. This is where your own circumstances come into play. If you feel you’ve done your best to help your spouse and their addition is still there and having negative impacts on your life, it is reasonable for you to decide to leave.
There does come a point when your own health, mental and physical, and your overall well-being financially and safety-wise come into play. If those things are continuously at risk because of your spouse’s addicition, it’s reasonable to file for a divorce.
Money Issues
I bring up money issues under the addiction category. Some people have a serious issue continuously spending money and wracking up credit card debt.
If you feel your financial safety is continuously compromised to the point where it brings you significant stress, that’s also an okay reason to consider leaving.
Similar to the above, I’m not suggesting you leave at the first signs of financial hardship. You stay and try to help them learn and grow. Try to help them learn how to properly spend within their means and maintain a budget.
If you’re continuously having to spend all the money on bills and never anything on yourself because you have to worry about them building up their credit card debt and are always paying their purchases off, that’s a reasonable reason to consider leaving.
You deserve to feel financially secure.
Adultery
Adultery or cheating is a valid reason to leave. Now, not everyone has to. I personally wouldn’t put up with it.
However, I also know that adultery tends to be a symptom of other issues within the relationship. Something in your relationship with your spouse was lacking. They just chose to not bring it up and work through it. Instead, they chose to cheat.
Sometimes, this can be worked through afterward. You may be able to sort out your issues.
Author Lee Baucom has a book called “Recovering from the Affair: Your Guide to Saving Your Marriage After Emotional or Physical Infidelity.” I’ve listened to quite a few of his “Save the Marriage” podcasts and he gets into infidelity quite a bit and how it can be worked through.
Similar to the work my husband and I put into our own marriage, I do think many people can go to therapy and work through the core issues that led to the infidelity and be happy afterwards.
Again, it is all personal choice and what work you are willing to put in to recover your marriage.
Unhappiness
Unhappiness is where the grey area comes in. This is the one you probably have to give the most thought to when deciding to leave a marriage.
You might think, of course, I’m unhappy in my marriage. To those who think that, I pose the following questions to you.
Is it your marriage making you unhappy or is there something else going on with you?
If you’re just unhappy overall, it’s not like getting a divorce will not magically fix that feeling. You need to take a deep look inward to determine what is really going on. Perhaps what you need to do is some work on yourself. Maybe you need to see a therapist to work through some things and uncover the root of what is causing your feelings and learn how to work on that.
Have you actually talked to your spouse about how you feel?
Taking this step can be terrifying. It can cause a number of responses from your spouse. They may feel insulted that you’re unhappy, they may feel attacked and get defensive, or they may be understanding and try to work with you.
In most cases, chances are your spouse doesn’t want you to be unhappy, so they will try to work with you. If they are willing to, now is a great time to try couples counseling to sort out your issues. For more information on working through common relationship issues, check out this article.
If it comes down to it, and they aren’t willing to try anything new in the relationship or try couples counseling and nothing changes, then, it may be the appropriate time to leave. There is only so much one person can do for a relationship. There is a point where you can’t possibly do any more work to make the relationship feel better from your standpoint.
At least if you put in the work, you can end the relationship knowing that you gave it your all.
There has to be some willingness on each end of the relationship to try and work things out. If not, then the relationship will likely not change. You and your spouse have to both put in time in order to change the relationship to its fullest. Sure, you may be able to do a ton of work on yourself to get the relationship better. If that is good enough for you, then that’s great.
But if you’ve done your own self-development work and you still feel at the same point in your relationship, again, it may be the time to end it.
The most important thing to remember is that every relationship is different.
Your feelings matter. You’re allowed to be happy.
For those of you who may be questioning the above, read it again.
Your feelings matter. You’re allowed to be happy.
Final Thoughts on When to Leave a Marriage
Based on my own values, the three items listed above: abuse, addiction, and adultery are the three reasons that I personally could justify as reasons for when to leave a marriage. My own values and beliefs are a bit old school in this way. I value the commitment that marriage is. I know that I’d have a hard time justifying leaving because of general unhappiness.
However, I also think that at some point, you do need to put your own welfare first. After all, we only have one life to live. We may as well enjoy it.
If you’re struggling with the decision on whether to leave your spouse, my heart goes out to you. I can’t even imagine the struggle you must be going through.
Remember, each relationship is different. The circumstances in each relationship are different. You need to take into account what your own values are and use those to guide you through this decision.
If you aren’t sure about your values, take some time now to determine what they are. What are the core beliefs you have that guide you through life? What is truly important to you? If you have kids, what is the example you want to set for them?
Hopefully, you will be able to come to a decision that you feel comfortable with. In the end, deciding when to leave your marriage is your call. Do what is best for you.
Best of luck.
