Recently, I was at my parent’s cottage with my brother. After spending not even twenty-four hours with me and my daughter, he says to me, “I don’t know how you can do this 24/7.” My response back to him was, “I don’t. That’s when I go paddleboarding.” Then I proceeded to step onto my paddleboard wave goodbye to my daughter, and paddle off to 30 minutes of quiet bliss on a calm lake.
Truthfully, though, I should have given him more commentary on parenting, since I know he hopes to become a parent one day. Below is my advice to him and others who are new parents or looking to one day be a parent.
Baby Stage Eases You Into Parenting
My brother only sees my daughter in snip-its throughout her life. While he saw the progression of her from baby to the toddler she is now, he wasn’t in it every day.
What I’d like to tell young parents or people considering parenthood is this – each stage eases you into the next. While the baby stage is hard because you are sleep deprived, you are still able to get accustomed to having a child without them being too much of a danger to themselves.
It is these small stages that help you ease into the next phase of parenthood. First, you figure out how to calm the child and a general pattern of feeding and diaper changes. Then they start to roll, then crawl, then stand, then walk. Each stage takes a little bit of time so you can become accustomed to the next.
So yes, while my daughter now runs everywhere, we were slowly progressed into the current phase we are in. While now I still have to watch her closely, eventually, this phase will pass on to the next.
It is important to remember that these are all phases. Try not to wish the time away to when your children are older and more able to regulate themselves. Each stage is both fun and challenging in its own way.
Society’s Pressure on Parenting/Needing to Spend All Free Time with Child
The other piece of advice that I should have told him was that the societal pressure of having to spend each free moment with your children is a load of garbage. It is the quality of time you spend with your child over quantity.
When Evelyn was a baby, I believed that I had to spend every free moment I had outside of work with her. I felt overwhelming guilt if I didn’t. Do you know what that did for me? It led to burnout. I felt resentful when my husband was able to get time to himself, seemingly guilt-free, and I wasn’t. Constantly feeling resentful was horrible for our marriage.
My recommendation? Do what works best for your family. If you are truly able to feel whole and yourself by spending all your free time with your child, then more power to you. However, if you find yourself needing small breaks, just know that it is perfectly okay to take them.
Taking care of yourself by taking these breaks will make you a better parent overall.
Importance of Self-Care in Raising a Child
This leads me to the importance of self-care when raising a child. While society tells you that your child should be your number one focus, I’m not quite sure that is true. If you are not in good shape, how can you dedicate the quality time and care to your children that they need?
When I started therapy during my marital separation, one of the first questions my therapist asked was “What are you doing for yourself?” I was speechless, My mind went blank. I told her I read a little and worked out a little bit, but honestly, it wasn’t much.
Through therapy, I have learned the importance of taking relaxation time for yourself so you can rejuvenate and be your best self. This could mean taking some time to read a book, working out, or pretty much doing any hobby that you enjoy.
While I tried implementing this right away, it was slow going at first. I didn’t see the impacts until my husband moved out and I had to share time with my daughter with him. Every other weekend I was forced to have a free weekend to myself.
I remember the first few weekends without her were horrible. All I could think about was how much I missed her and wished she could be there. As much as I hate to say it, you do get used to sharing time with your child after a while.
Then, something happened. I started doing my hobbies on the weekends. I started having time to keep the house the level of de-cluttered that I liked. Then when Evelyn came home to me on Sunday nights, I felt so refreshed, in a way I hadn’t since she had been born.
I was able to focus on her more. I was able to enjoy our time together more. It made me be able to be an even better mom to her during our time together.
Now that my husband and I are back together and working on our relationship, I have to make sure to get some time to myself. I make sure to focus on this because I remember how good it felt after a free weekend of “me time”. This is still a daily struggle that I face. However, I continue to work on it because I’ve seen how it can help.
Looking back onto the early days of parenthood, I can now see how I starting losing myself in the process. I got so caught up in the feeding, getting in all the right amount of tummy time, and worrying about whether what I was doing best for my child, that I lost sight of me.
Re-finding myself through my hobbies and likes was one of the best things I’ve done for myself, for Evelyn, and my family as a whole. Don’t feel guilty taking this time for yourself. It doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you a better parent.
Asking for Help
Asking for help with my daughter is one area I still struggle with, but I know is important to do. When you do think you need a break, ask for help.
I have a whole array of family members who would love to watch Evelyn at the drop of a hat when I need a break. Even though I know my support team would be happy to help, I still feel guilty when asking for it. It makes me feel like I am burdening them. However, through the practice of asking for help, such as when I need a babysitter and getting good responses has helped me be more confident.
Typically, people want to help you when you have a child and they might not know what you need, so you just need to ask. This is especially important for those baby days. Everyone wants to know what they can do when you have a newborn, but often time they don’t know what to offer.
So, when they ask – tell them what you need. Say, “Thank you, I’d love some help. What we could use is a meal for dinner.” Or list off whatever it is you need. Perhaps it might be some help with cleaning, laundry, or yard work. It could even be to come over and help during your baby’s fussy time of the night so you don’t get too overwhelmed trying to calm them.
Here’s your best bet for being able to parent a child 24/7 – do what works best for you. Find that balance that works best for you and your family, so you can thrive as a parent and an individual. Remember that each stage eases you into the next. You are allowed and encouraged to take breaks and do something for yourself. And ask for help. In the end, it all makes you better able to provide what your child needs.
Those are my recommendations on how to parent 24/7. Take care of yourself, so you can take care of them.
