Dividing household chores between spouses can be a difficult task. It can often be a sensitive topic that leaves both people feeling under-appreciated. Read on to learn how to talk to your spouse about dividing household chores.
In my experience, household chores weren’t a huge problem between me and my spouse until after we had a baby. Even though we had discussed how we would both help with all of the new chores that came after having a baby, afterward, things got tricky.
My Story
The first month after having our daughter, things were great! He had taken that month off to stay home and help out. We were able to keep up on the chores and still had enough time for ourselves to not feel overwhelmed.
Once my husband went back to work is when things started to go downhill. He would get home from work, exhausted from a hard day. My daughter had started the habit of not sleeping unless you were holding her. So, when he got home, I would need a baby break.
However, she was super fussy from around 4-7 at night and seemed to prefer me during that time. Instead of asking him to take the baby, I’d give him the choice, take the baby or do the chore I had wanted to get done.
He’d often take the chore and I was left with the screaming baby. Yes, I should have expressed what I needed better, but I didn’t know that at the time. I felt guilty forcing a screaming baby onto a person who would get frustrated at her crying.
Once I went back to work, things got even worse. Now we had a screaming baby, less time to do the chores, and not much time for ourselves or our marriage.
Things started to implode.
My husband would be grumpy when I asked for help on things. Eventually, I stopped asking. As I did each task, I’d be furiously thinking about how lazy he was and how he never did anything around the house.
My resentments grew and grew, eventually leading to passive-aggressive comments and increasing angry bursts towards my husband.
It kept getting worse and worse until finally, my husband decided to leave. There were other factors involved too, but we’ll get into those at a different time.
If I had known how to talk to my spouse about dividing up household chores, our situation may not have gotten so bad.
Growth
Obviously, now we are working on our relationship and things have improved significantly.
However, in retrospect, I realized what had happened during the collapse of our relationship and knew I didn’t want to make those mistakes again.
I made sure during one of our very first counseling sessions to bring up the issues I had around chores. Our therapist literally whipped out a sheet of paper that she said she gives to tons of couples.
It was a list of household tasks with a column for who does it now and who would ideally do it in the future. The plan was for us to go over it together and assess who really has been doing what and who should do things in the future.
What came out of this task is that I realized that my husband did more things than I realized. Plus, he also saw all the tasks I was doing and maybe didn’t give me enough credit for.
Below are the different topics we talked about in therapy related to this process that really helped when we actually met to go through the list.
Personal Backgrounds with Dividing Household Chores
One of the most important things to keep in mind when discussing dividing household chores is each of your personal backgrounds.
Family Backgrounds
You will need to discuss what you each saw in your family growing up. This is a time to listen and actually hear what your spouse is saying.
Once you have both had a chance to do that, take the discussion further. Talk about aspects of what you saw that you liked and what you didn’t like.
This will at least give you an understanding of where your spouse is coming from. It is a bigger step than you might realize.
Our example – How to Talk To Your Spouse About Dividing Household Chores
We talked about what we had seen with our families growing up. On my end, what I saw was that most of the time, my mom did all the things. She did the major cleaning inside, a lot of the outdoor work, and most of the food prep. She also worked full time.
My dad did prepare dinner at night. However, my mom typically had prepared at least half of the meal in the morning before she left for work. He also fixed everything that broke and did some of the outdoor house care.
The above being said, my dad was a pretty clean and tidy man overall, rarely leaving a mess behind him.
I saw this and knew that when I got married, I wanted more support than that.
On my husbands’ side, his dad cooked sometimes. He fixed things around the house and did some of the outdoor yard work. His one task for cleaning was to vacuum. His mom did pretty much everything else.
Wrapping It Up
As you can see – there are some similarities there and some differences. It may not have occurred to either of you that things could be different than what you saw growing up.
Sometimes when you have seen an example your whole life, you just think, well this is how it is. Even, if that doesn’t work for you in the family you created.
As you discuss this, you can both realize that things can change and they don’t have to be exactly how you saw them growing up.
Personal Level of Cleanliness
The other topic we discussed in therapy is how every individual has a personal level of cleanliness they need to be comfortable in their home.
This isn’t the personal cleanliness of your own bodies, but of what you like to see in your home.
Consider things like:
- How often do you like to wash the bathtub or toilet?
- Amount of clutter you can tolerate in the kitchen or living room?
- Do you feel okay leaving clothes lay around the house?
- How often do you like the floors vacuumed or washed?
Each of you will have your own level of the frequency or amount that you can tolerate before it really starts to bother you.
This is why if you decide to stop cleaning something, your spouse won’t clean it until weeks after you would have. You have different levels of what you can tolerate.
These levels need to be discussed with one another. Keep in mind, that neither of your ways is the right way. Don’t waste your time trying to convince your spouse otherwise.
You need to work together to come up with a plan and frequency that works for both of you.
If you are like me and have cleaner tendencies, you may need to wait an extra week or two before something gets done. On the other hand, you may need to clean something a few weeks before you feel like it needs to get cleaned.
These are compromises we all make to keep our spouses happy and comfortable in our homes together.
How to Approach Dividing Household Chores With Your Spouse
Starting a conversation with your spouse about dividing up household chores can be stressful. Here are a few key points to keep in mind on how to talk to your spouse about dividing household chores.
Talk about it when things are calm vs when you are frustrated about it
It is best to approach this topic when you and your spouse are feeling calm. This will help ensure a more relaxed atmosphere.
If you were to start this talk when you are feeling frustrated and angry, your approach would likely not be as well accepted by your spouse.
Frustration and anger tend to lead you to say things you might regret. Instead, while you are calm, you can phrase things in a more constructive way that could solve the problem.
Avoiding Using the Phrases “Never” and “Always”
While using the worse “never” and “always” might truly express how you view the situation, it is likely to set your partner on the defense. Avoid using these phrases if at all possible.
If you do use them, it is likely your spouse will come up with the one example when they did do something, thus disproving your statement.
This will cause more of an argumentative situation than a constructive one.
Remember, you are on the same team. The goal is to share what has been bothering you about the division of household chores and then resolve the problem.
Do use “I feel” statements
After instruction not to use the “never” or “always” statements, you may wonder what to do instead.
The answer is to use “I feel” statements. Not in the “I feel you never do…”. That will get you nowhere.
The goal here is to put an actual feeling after the “I feel” statement. Here are some examples:
- I’m feeling overwhelmed with all I have on my plate. I’d like to discuss the division of household chores.
- I’m feeling high anxiety about my workload of chores in here in the house. Can we please discuss the division of household chores?
- I’m feeling stressed out about the household chores on my plate. Can we please talk about the division of the household chores?
Sharing these emotions can be vulnerable, but hopefully will draw your spouse into the conversation in a more open way to discuss the situation.
When my husband and I first started having conversations like this, my phrases weren’t nearly as well stated as the ones above. Sometimes when you are first starting out, something such as “I don’t really know how to phrase this, but can we please talk about something that has been bothering me (or weighing on my mind)?” is an okay approach.
Starting that way shows your spouse that you care about them but still want to approach a difficult topic.
Be Respectful
The tips above all help create a respectful atmosphere. This is important because it shows your spouse that you care about them.
Sometimes, the conversation might get a little heated, so remember to not call names (such as lazy, slob, etc). If the conversation does get to this point, suggest taking a break from the conversation.
If your spouse expresses that they are doing some work you maybe hadn’t noticed, you can say something like “I hadn’t realized that Thank you for your help.”
Showing gratitude for what they do for household chores can go a long way.
Talk to Your Spouse About Divvying Up Household Chores
If you are like me, thinking about having this type of conversation with your spouse might make you anxious. I invite you to just sit with the idea for a while. You can learn how to talk to your spouse about dividing household chores.
Think it through in your mind. Build up the courage you need to take action.
Check back next week for my additional tips on things to keep in mind while divvying the tasks up and the benefits you can see from this exercise!
If you have other concerns about your marriage, read my article on Common Marriage Problems and How to Overcome Them.
