The decision to try having a baby with your spouse is life-changing. Even if you know for sure that you want children, there are still many things to discuss with your spouse before having a baby.

Bringing a child into a family brings not only joy but also increases the level of stress and work immensely within the relationship.

This is why it is important to have many discussions surrounding the additional work and reasons for wanting to have a child with your partner beforehand.

Communication

Not only should you discuss the key points that add stressors to a relationship, you should also make sure that your ability to communicate is top-notch.

The reason for this is that when you’re stressed, your communication will not be at its best. If you’ve already practiced communication on a regular basis with your spouse, you’ll be a huge step ahead when the stress does come around.

The key points for communication are being able to express your feelings openly, asking for what you need, and approach difficult topics with the intent to get an understanding.

If you struggle with any of these things, it is best to talk about it now with your partner and start practicing.

The reason I am so passionate about improving your ability to communicate with your partner is because my spouse and I really struggled with that once we had our child.

When things got stressful, neither of us felt we could bring up our issues to the other. This grew increasing resentment which eventually ended up with my husband seeking a legal separation and nearly divorce.

Thankfully, we were able to start working on our skills after some time apart and are now much better at communicating. However, still today, I struggle periodically asking for what I need when I sense my husband is also stressed.

But now, I am able to recognize that and take action before the resentment builds.

Questions to Discuss with Your Spouse Before Having a Baby

Here is the list of questions that can be helpful to discuss with your spouse before having a baby. It makes sure that each of you is on the same page with parenting and workload to set you up for success once the baby is here.

Family of Origin

Before you add to your family, it is important to do a quick review of your own families and how you grew up.

Often times couples might not realize quite how different their upbringings were. This can lead to very different ideas on what you want to do in your own family.

These questions can help facilitate that discussion and help you figure out what will work for your specific situation.

Likely it won’t be exactly what either of your parents did, but a blend or some new ideas brought in to make it work the best for your family.

• As a child, what messages did you get about what a parent is supposed to be?
• How much like your own parents do you want to be? Discuss the best things your own parents did along with the shortcomings to determine what will work for your family.
• What did you appreciate about your upbringing? What didn’t go well? Take a good look at your own childhood to figure out what you might like to do similarly for your child and what you might change.
• What did you enjoy about childhood? What didn’t you enjoy?
• What did you learn from your parents that you’d like to pass on? What are things you wouldn’t want to pass on?

Personal & Wellness Questions

The personal and wellness questions can help you and your partner gauge where each of you is at. It helps the other get an idea of what your comfort levels are with children.

These questions also tackle how each of you foresees your own life-changing in the future.

• Do you spend time with children? If so, do you enjoy it?
• Are you more comfortable with children of a certain age?
• How do you feel about the responsibilities and commitments of parenthood?
• How do you handle stress?
• How do you spend your free time?
• How do you imagine your life might change?
• Are you ready to give up “me” time?

General Parenting Questions

Questions in this category cover the general how do we want to raise our child type of issues.

• How are we going to split parenting duties? Include in this current household duties as well as feedings, laundry, trips to the store, changing diapers, bath time, bedtime, and anything else you might have.
• What are your fears about becoming a parent?
• What are your hopes about being a parent? What if they aren’t met?
• What values do you want to instill in your children?
• How much and what kind of religion will be in our child’s life?
• How will we handle any kind of coming out?
• Where are we raising our kids?
• What are your beliefs/feelings on vaccines and immunizations for children?
• Where do you stand on soothers or using formula?
• How much help do we want from others? From whom will we get help? For how long or when do you foresee us needing help?
• Who will be our child’s guardian should something happen to us?
• How are we supporting the child?
• What is your job’s maternity/paternity policy?

Relationship Related Questions

This will help you gauge how your relationship has been going lately. You want to make sure you have a good base before bringing a child into the mix.

• How has your relationship been lately?
• How will having a child impact us as a couple? What are your expectations for the relationship after the baby is born?
• How will we keep our relationship strong? How will you get couple time in after the baby is here?
• What do we want our future to look like long-term? What will your life look like when your kids are grown?

Pregnancy-Related

These questions hone in on issues that may come up while you are pregnant or trying to get pregnant.

• What happens if we can’t get pregnant right away? Talk about feelings about not being able to conceive your own child and what steps you might be willing to take in order to become parents.
• What type of testing will we do during pregnancy?
• If pregnancy screening reveals our baby has disabilities, what do we do?
• Where do you want to deliver the baby?
• What type of delivery do you want?
• What type of preparation for delivery do you want to do?
• Discuss your thoughts on baby names. Are there names you won’t use? Are there names you have to use (family names)?

Post-Baby

• What kind of childcare will we use?
• Will we circumcise if we have a boy?
• How do you feel about children sleeping in our bedroom? Co-sleeping?
• What type of school will we send our child to?

Feeding

• How will you feed the baby? Formula, breastfeeding, pumping only?
• Are both of you willing to help with overnight feedings?
• Once the baby can have solid food, will you do baby-led weaning or go the traditional feeding route?
• Will you make your own baby food?
• Overall, how do you want to feed your child?
• How organic, vegan, earth-friendly do you want to feed your child?

Discipline

• What are your thoughts about discipline? How would you like to discipline your child? Discuss how you were disciplined as children and what you did and didn’t like about it.
• How strict are you going to be?

Final Question

• How do you feel as you answer these questions?

Final Thoughts on Questions to Discuss With Your Spouse Before a Baby

The questions above and having open communication with your spouse will help ensure that you are in a good place with one another when your baby arrives.

Despite all the preparation, issues may still come up. Remember that as you work through them, to approach your spouse with compassion and willingness to understand.

Also remember, that in spite of all the preparation, once your baby actually arrives, your feelings and how you answered the questions may change. Make sure that if something does change, you discuss it with one another so you continue to be on the same page.

Though stressful, raising a child is incredibly rewarding and almost magical to experience at times. Make sure you take a few moments to sit back and enjoy the time.

And remember, when things with a child are stressful, it is a season and it will pass.

Best of luck to you on your parenting journey!

If you’d like more information on communicating with your partner, check out the following articles:

Common Marriage Problems & How to Overcome Them

How to Talk to Your Spouse About Dividing Household Chores

Tips on Dividing Household Chores Between Spouses