Last week we started discussing the task of dividing household chores up between spouses.
We talked through the background on your different viewpoints and how coming to an understanding of that can help you move forward.
Then we went into how you can best approach this difficult topic with your spouse.
This week, we offer more tips including how to approach the topic when one of you doesn’t hold up your side of the deal. We also go into the benefits you can see from it in your life.
Things to Keep in Mind While Divvying Tasks Up Between Spouses
Here are some tips to keep in mind as you go divide up the household chores.
1. Consider Each Other’s Preferences on Chores
It is important to consider each other’s preferences on which chores you do. It can feel so much worse to be stuck doing a chore you hate versus doing a chore that you are indifferent to or actually enjoy.
Similarly, if there is a chore you want to be done a specific way and your spouse has strong feelings about not doing it that way, you may have to do that chore yourself and assign something else to your spouse.
2. Chores Don’t Have to be Split Perfectly Evenly
Split the chores so they feel comfortable for the two of you. That might mean that one of you is assigned more chores than the other either in quantity or time consumption.
This process will feel different for each couple and there is no “right” way to split the chores up.
3. Consider all Household Tasks
There are a lot of tasks to consider when dividing household chores between spouses.
When you work on your list, make sure to consider all household chores. This includes both indoor and outdoor tasks. It can even include things such as errands.
Also include items that are not done frequently. This means things like maintenance and repairs should be on the list.
You can also include the tasks of taking care of pets or children. Scooping a cat box, feeding the pets, and making sure they have water is a task that still has to be accomplished.
Similarly, putting your child(ren) to bed or getting them ready for daycare are big tasks that should also be considered.
4. Discuss Frequency and Level of Cleanliness
Discuss how frequently you’d like key tasks done and how clean you each feel things need to be. Set honest expectations. An example of this is when my husband told me that if he cleaned floors it would be with a Swiffer and not on his hands and knees.
Don’t push your perfectionist cleaning tendencies onto your spouse if you want help. You may need to accept a slightly lower level of how clean you would like things
Remember done is better than perfect
5. Consider Rotating Chores
Consider rotating chores if there is one you both absolutely hate doing. This way you will each feel like the other is doing their part for that task.
It won’t seem as bad if you don’t have to be the one doing it all the time.
6. Consider Other Options
Sometimes you might both despise cleaning or certain chores. If you can afford it, consider hiring professional cleaners or maintenance personnel if you can afford it.
Doing this can take it off of both of your plates and you will still feel good knowing it gets done.
Benefits of Going Through Exercise of Dividing Household Chores Between Spouses
There are quite a few benefits of going through the exercise of dividing household chores between spouses. It can be helpful to lay these for both perspectives to see so you can appreciate what might come of working through a difficult topic with your spouse.
Acknowledgment for the Work You Do
Each of you is acknowledged for the work you do around the house. For me, I realized how much my spouse actually did do around the house that I wasn’t realizing.
Since you have talked about dividing household chores between yourselves, you may also start showing your gratitude to one another.
Growth in Gratitude
Try to work in gratitude to this. Actively say thank you when your spouse does something on the list. Don’t critique them on what they are doing.
If you both work on gratitude, your appreciation for one another’s contributions around the house will grow over time.
Fewer Feelings of Resentment
Over time, you will start to feel less resentment towards your partner as you notice what they do around the house. It also helps if your spouse thanks you for your contributions because you will feel appreciated.
Continue to look for what they do around the house to try and change your perspective. If you think they do nothing, you will look for examples to back that up. However, if you look for examples to contradict that, you will notice them doing more around the house.
More Time to Do What You Love
If you are the one who was doing the majority of the housework, you will have more time for yourself. This means more time for self-care and doing things you enjoy.
It can also mean more time together with your spouse to continue to grow your relationship.
If you are the spouse who might have to take on more housework, it will be helpful in another way. If your spouse is feeling better about the division of household work, your relationship with them will improve over time.
On either side, there is a benefit to having a happy and more relaxed spouse!
How to Approach Topic When Spouse Doesn’t do Something on Their List
The best way to circumvent this issue is to schedule set times to check in on the household chore list. You could meet each week to talk about the tasks of the upcoming week.
Alternatively, you could meet once a month just to check-in and bring up concerns then. Pick something that works for you and your spouse.
If you don’t choose the above method, here are some additional tips:
You are allowed to ask them about it
Do so gently, calmly, and not in an accusing manner. You could say things such as:
- “I’ve noticed XYZ isn’t done yet. Do you know when you might have a chance to do that?”
- “I don’t think you’ve done XYZ task. Can you please do that sometime this week?”
Discuss with your spouse how frequently you can ask them about the not-completed task without being to overbearing
Give Them the Benefit of the Doubt
Try to give them the benefit of the doubt. There’s a good chance they forgot instead of intentionally not doing it in hopes that you will do it instead.
They may just need a gentle reminder about it, especially if it is new for them.
Having Original “I Feel” Conversation
You may need to have the original “I feel overwhelmed” talk again if they still aren’t completing their share of household chores. Maybe giving them a chance to share their feelings about it might help as well.
If you both don’t like doing chores, you can talk about that and support one another. Sometimes you just need to feel validated in your feelings.
Counselor
If you aren’t able to work out the issues on your own, you may need to seek additional help from a professional marriage counselor.
In my experience, if there is a ton of stress around household chores, there is also other stuff going on in the background that may need to be worked through as well.
Hopefully, your partner is willing to put in the work into creating a marriage you both enjoy.
How it Worked Out for Us
After going through the list initially, I realized all the tasks my husband was doing around the house. It was far more than I realized.
Since I had more of his help on the household tasks, I now experience fewer feelings of resentment. They still pop up every now and then.
When they do, I try to evaluate the reasoning. Is it because I need to bring up whether he is helping around the house? Or it is because I’m not feeling appreciated?
Once I figure that out, I have a conversation with him about it and we move forward together. Sometimes, I just need to remember to look for examples of him doing his assigned household tasks to remind myself he is helping out.
Every now and then, I’ll still need to ask for his help on the tasks that we determined we would both do. The key is to be open and honest about it and ask in a calm way.
Generally, just keeping an open dialogue about it helps. It felt super awkward to do at first. Over time it is becoming more normal and less stressful to talk about.
The end result, we both feel more appreciated than we did before. We feel like we have a stronger partnership and that is a good feeling.
I invite you to have this conversation with your spouse if household chores are an issue for you. Good luck!
If you want to try it out for yourself, consider checking out my Household Chore worksheet below!
