In light of May being mental health awareness month, I thought I’d cover a topic that is close to my heart – how to support a spouse who has depression.
Being married to someone who has depression can be tricky, especially if you don’t have a ton of experience with it. Knowing how to support someone with depression is not something we are born knowing how to do.
It is something we have to learn. It can also be hard to do. Going into it, you don’t realize how much supporting a spouse with depression can wear on your own mental health.
When my husband first told me about “not feeling normal,” I didn’t know what to do or how to act. It was hard to not take his actions personally. Our situation spiraled into something different and we ended up separated for quite some time.
I started going to therapy and was recommended the book “When Someone You Love is Depressed: How to Help Your Loved One Without Losing Yourself” by Laura Epstein Rosen.
This book offers many excellent tips on how to work through things and what to expect. I liked that it covered all sorts of information, such as symptoms and what to watch out for. I liked how it covered the various types of relationships and how depression could impact them.
It covered relationships with parents who have depression, children, spouses, and more. The tips and examples in each type of relationship were interesting to learn.
I’ve pulled my favorite tips from this book along with others I’ve found along the way to create this list of how to support a spouse who has depression.
Educate Yourself on Depression
One of the best things you can do to support a spouse who has depression is to educate yourself. Even if you know a bit about it, it never hurts to learn a little more.
Symptoms of depression can vary from person to person along with the severity levels.
A few of the key symptoms are:
- Feelings of sadness or worthlessness
- Loss of interest in things they used to love doing
- Problems sleeping
- Fatigue
- Anger or irritability
- Difficulty concentrating
- Thoughts of suicide
If you want a more conclusive list, check out this article by Psycom, which also offers some suggestions.
It can even help to ask your partner to describe their symptoms. Each person’s experience with depression can be different and knowing how your partner is feeling might help you better support them.
Make Plans with Them
A lot of times, someone with depression just doesn’t feel up to hanging out. Sometimes, this means people stop making plans with them.
However, one of the best ways to support someone is to continue to make plans with them. Even if they say no, they will at least feel good that you have asked them to do something and knowing you thought of them.
The hard part about this is to not take it personally if they don’t want to hang out. Remember that they likely don’t feel up to it. It is more about how they are feeling rather than them not wanting to spend time with you.
When they do want to hang out, it can definitely help them to know that you are there and enjoy spending time with them.
Offer Support
Providing support is a great way to support a spouse with depression. The real tricky part is being able to provide them with the type of support they need. Because remember, the support needed will differ by person and there is no right mix for everyone.
The key is to let them know you are there to help. One way my therapist told me to help was to ask them what they need. This Medical News Today article offers some great examples of what someone might need help with.
Often times, the person might not know what they need but are glad to know you are there. Other times they might have a specific suggestion of something that has helped them in the past.
Sometimes, they may just need someone to listen to how they are feeling. Your spouse might just want their feelings validated.
One of the biggest ways you can offer support is by encouraging them to get the help they need. However, don’t be overbearing about it. People will only get the most out of therapy if they want to be there and are ready for it.
Likewise, if they want to see a therapist or get medication, get on board with that. Mostly, they want to know that you have their back and will support them in their decisions.
Comfortable Home Environment
Make sure that you make your home environment as comfortable as possible for your spouse. A large part of that is to offer support to them (see above).
You may also need to start doing a little bit more around the house. Sometimes, your spouse may not be up to keeping up with the chores. Now is the time to pitch in a little bit more. The key here is to remember that this is a season of your life and the additional work will not be permanent.
Helping your spouse keep a normal routine will also help them. Having that sense of control might help your spouse feel a little bit better when they are feeling depressed.
When you notice small improvements in your spouse as they work to improve their depression, tell them about it. It can help them to hear those positive remarks because they tend to be harsh on themselves.
Another option would be to do things around the home that have been proven to help depression. This can include offering healthy meals at home and working out together. Basically, anything that is known to help your wellness and happiness would be good to implement around the house.
Self-Care
It can be easy to lose yourself when trying to support a spouse with depression. A key part of being able to support them is to also take care of yourself.
Self-care can spiral out of control quickly if you are too focused on your spouse’s health. Continue to take care of yourself and do what you need to fill your cup up.
This means to make sure you are getting in time for yourself doing your favorite things, whatever that might be. For some, it could be reading, exercising, or playing video games.
Make sure you continue to go to events and make plans with your friends and family, even if your spouse doesn’t want to go. Now more than ever, you will need to keep up those connections you have because those close friends and family will be there to support you when you need it.
This might include talking to a therapist if you need to, so they can help you with your feelings. Resentment can build up quickly when you have to do more as your spouse works to heal themselves.
A therapist can help you work through those feelings and make sure you are communicating well with your spouse to avoid misunderstandings.
Work as a Team
Battling depression is super hard. It is important to tackle these issues alongside your partner. As noted above, make sure you offer your spouse the support they need.
If they want, attend their appointments with them. Or maybe they just want someone to drive them and wait for them while they are there. Take these simple steps that they feel they need because doing so can really improve the level of support your spouse feels.
Knowing that you are on the same page as they are with their treatment plan can also help them navigate treatment better.
A big part of working as a team is to continue to communicate with your spouse. You might want to try and hide your feelings so you don’t put more on their plate. However, doing so can cause serious issues in your relationship.
Continue to communicate your feelings with them. If they understand how you are feeling, there is less room for misunderstanding to develop.
Again, if things are getting tense in your marriage because of resentment or issues, you should seek counseling together. Sometimes that third party can really help you navigate your issues and find ways to resolve them.
Being very clear with all communication is key so that nothing is left up for interpretation. When you are in a depressed mindset, it is all too easy for your mind to warp things into the worst meaning possible.
Continue to work as a team and let your spouse know that you are on their side and want to help them through.
Support Your Spouse
Now is the time to put these tips into place. You know how to support your spouse who has depression, so make your best effort in doing so.
It won’t always be easy. You won’t always do it perfectly. However, working to be a good support person can help them work through their treatment.
It will also help your relationship with them. Depression can put a ton of stress on a relationship. It is key to remember that and to work through the issues together.
As you support your spouse, don’t forget to take care of yourself. If you are drained all the time, you won’t be able to help either one of you through this difficult time.
Best of luck in your journey.
