Some people have a word of the year and others have a question of the year. I typically only do a word of the year. However, lately, I have had a question popping up over and over again: “What is it that you need?”. I think a lot can be shifted in your life by asking for what you need.
What Do You Need?
The first part of asking for what you need is determining exactly what it is you need. This may take some thought to actually track it down.
Sometimes, it isn’t quite clear what you need, even to yourself. All you might know is that lately, you’ve been irritable. Or maybe you’ve felt overwhelmed.
Yet sometimes when you have those feelings of irritability or overwhelm, they are so strong it is hard to determine what you need.
Give yourself a few minutes to sit down and really think about it. Ask yourself “What do I need?” or “What would help in this moment?”.
Come up with a list of ideas of what might help you. Do you need more help around the house? Do you need to take some time alone? Perhaps you need to get together with a friend.
Typically, what you might need to help a little bit when you’re feeling overwhelmed is something as simple as the items mentioned above.
Ask for What You Need
If you have kids, it might be more difficult to ask for what you need. It might be hard to fit in the time or get additional help.
But the key here is to reach out and ask someone for help getting what you need. It could be your spouse or maybe a relative.
If you need some time alone, you could approach your spouse and say, “Babe, I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed and not like myself. I need an hour to myself to ___ (fill in the blank – go for a jog, grab a coffee, etc). It would help me feel more refreshed.”
It is important that you express these needs to your partner. If you don’t it could lead to resentment and other struggles down the road if you continue to feel irritable or overwhelmed.
Example
When my daughter was younger, one of my major triggers, when we were trying to leave the house, was my husband being on his phone.
Similar to pre-baby life, he got himself ready and then sat on his phone as I got both myself and the baby ready.
Just thinking about it gets my heart rate up.
Action to Above Example
In the above example, when I did nothing about it, I would feel irritable and triggered. I’d likely snap at my husband for something else.
I’d sit and ruminate about how he didn’t help and get even angrier.
What I should have done instead, was ask him to do something specific to help in the process. A simple, “Babe, could you please pack the diaper bag?” or “Could you please get the baby in the car seat?” would have done wonders.
Not taking action above and asking for what I needed led to serious marital problems down the road. You can read a little bit more about marriage struggles in this blog post.
Difficulty in Asking for What You Need?
On paper, it sure sounds easy enough to just ask for what you need. However, actually executing that can be difficult.
Sometimes asking for help can bring up feelings within yourself. You might feel guilty or like a burden on others. Perhaps you think it is selfish if you ask for what you need.
Well, here is what I have learned after slowly practicing this over time. If you do ask for what you need you actually feel better all around.
When you’re getting what you need, you have more energy to be a better wife or a more present mother.
Society has taught us that as women we need to give our all to our families. However, this leads to burnout.
When you get the time to refresh yourself by doing something you enjoy, you can do everything else better. It seems a little insane to think about – trying to carve out time to do one more thing.
However, when you do something that makes you feel rejuvenated, it is totally worth it.
How It’s Been Working for Me
I’ve been working at this for several years, and I will admit, it is still hard for me to do. I have a perfectionist mindset, so acknowledging that I can’t do it all is hard. Yet, when you think about it logically, you wouldn’t expect anyone else to do it all.
Truthfully, asking for what I need is still a struggle, but it is getting slightly easier over time. For example, now I notice when I need something before I get too far.
Though it might not seem like much, taking notice that you need something in itself is a huge step. Now, it might take me a few days to finally ask for what I need, but I do it. In the past, I never would have.
I would have kept trucking along and continued to feel irritable and overwhelmed.
Positive Impacts on Your Life
Asking for what you need can lead to positive impacts that could shift your life for the better.
For example, if you need help around the house, you could hire a house cleaner (if you can afford it) or ask your spouse for more help with chores.
Doing this can help you lighten your load around the house, which may leave you time to do things that help you feel refreshed.
If you ask for time alone to do one of your hobbies, you will get enjoyment from doing that hobby. Not only will following your hobbies give you personal enjoyment, it strengthens your relationship with friends and your spouse by giving you something to share with them.
You’ve probably never thought about it, but when you feel passionate or excited about something, you bring that energy with you into your relationships and it has positive impacts on them.
Following these hobbies also can leave you feeling refreshed and energized. This means that you will feel better when you return to your chaotic home life, especially if you have children. If you feel refreshed, you tend to be able to parent the way you prefer to and feel more present with your children.
Asking for what you need can also have a positive impact on your mental health. If you are feeling overwhelmed, getting help can improve that feeling.
If you are overwhelmed, unloading tasks, by either deciding they do not need to get done or asking someone to help with them, can ease that burden.
Asking for help can also create more connections to others in your life, which is another thing that can improve your mental health.
Again, asking for the help you need can also give you time to do a hobby, which can leave you feeling refreshed and in a better mood.
Take Action: Ask for What You Need
Now is the time to take action by asking for what you need. You can see for yourself the positive impacts it can have on your life and your mental health.
What are some of your favorite ways to feel refreshed? Share your ideas below and let us know how asking for what you need worked for you.
